Dear Mom,

How are you there up in heaven? I bet you've done a lot of great things with God. Is He used to your determination and stubbornness? I guess He must be since He made you that way. J

Knowing you, I’m sure you know by now that I’m about to get married. And not within the circumstances you’d like me to be. But I’m 30, still in love with the same man you left me with… So, I think you’re okay. I don’t think you would approve if I marry someone you didn't even meet….

Mom, I’m not getting married in a grand church, there won’t be 300 guests in a fancy ballroom. I’m not wearing the Monique Lhuillier gown we always wished I would. I’m not honeymooning In Europe. No, I'm not having any of those…

I used to believe that getting married without you beside me would be meaningless. Our family and friends have hinted more than often for us to get married but I couldn't stand the thought of it knowing that you would not be there to give me away.. I would always get sad, and then I would cry… So why would I want to be married when I’m not over losing you?

But, Mom, I’m happy… So incredibly happy that during the days we were preparing and planning for this small wedding, I hardly thought of you. It should have felt like I was betraying you, but it didn't. For the first time, it felt right.

I don’t know what happened. I think you had a hand in it. I think you masked away the pain of not having you around so I can enjoy planning for my wedding. I think that’s the one reason why I’m so happy right now. Add to that that I am marrying a man whom I truly love and he feels the same way for me. And that our family and friends are happy with our decision to finally tie the knot.

I thought that I'd be wondering why I did this just now, I'm not. I believe this is the right time and moment that God has intended for us to get married and there was a reason why it took this long for us to seal the deal. 

And now, I really don’t mind if you’re not there as I take my vows to be someone’s forever after…Because if God will give me a day to borrow you, I wouldn't want you there on my wedding. I would want you to be there at the birth of my child… the one I’m carrying now, the one that would make me a mother like you.

I love you, Mom. I miss you… so much. I was never the same since you decided to go. But like with all the decisions you've made for me, I believe that you always knew what's best for me.

Your daughter,

Shen